1:00 a.m. - 2020-04-04
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It’s that moment when you realise that he doesn’t feel the same way as you - You wonder why he has stayed so long in your life, if he never really cared at all. It makes you feel a little more dull. It breaks down your confidence, like someone suddenly blowing out your light. I think it’s even worse when you’ve deluded yourself into thinking it’s something special, when you’ve let down every guard that you have. When you’ve bared your body, all it’s flaws and finally let someone in and trusted them. Then have them basically tell you that you aren’t good enough. I couldn’t even buy clothes to feel better, get my hair done or anything I used to do. My heart just wasn’t in it - In my heart and head I thought what is really the point if I’ll never be good enough anyway. He has completely demolished my confidence. Left me to raise our son alone and I know that I’ve got to pick myself up and be strong, but it is so very hard. Maybe I should of known. I mean people don’t befriend people that they have nothing in common with. They befriend them based on similar interests and personalities, so maybe I should of seen all of this coming, when I know how his friends act towards women. But I was blinkered of course. He’s right, I only hear what I want to. Truth be told, if I had of seen things for what they are maybe I wouldn’t of ever stayed in Australia when I knew I was pregnant. Whatever the case i’m back to being broken into so many pieces and know that this will be the end. It feels like all he’s wanted these past few months was money. There is certainly no interaction with me, unless it is at the time he needs to withdraw money. No banter. No photographs. No connection to me. Now he’s got his job and moved so far away, he doesn’t even care anymore - but maybe he never really did. Convenience. Sex. Money. Assistance. Whatever it was. It wasn’t love.
